August 2023 - Love Letter; Sobering Revelations

Dear Artist,

Sobering Revelations this month.

August has been a series of gut checks. I feel like Rocky Balboa in the ring getting hammered in my sides by a massive opponent. I usually enjoy August. It’s my birth month. A time to celebrate the gifts in my life, reflect on the journey I’ve made thus far and set new intentions for the coming year. But this month has been one of transformation.

Transformation always seems like a nice word in my mind. I imagine I’m stronger and more resilient on the other side of one’s transition into a new version of Self. The reality is that evolution is PAINFUL! It’s an agonizing, raw, and challenging process. It’s designed to destroy the old to make space for the new. Death is a destroyer AND the seat of rebirth.

I find myself thinking about what caterpillars must endure when they begin their metamorphosis into butterflies. Their entire body turns into a liquid before it becomes solid again. I wonder what the caterpillar feels like to completely shed every aspect of the life it once knew to start again in a completely different body. What does it feel like to fly when, until now, you’ve only ever known how to walk?

This month has been a shedding of things I love and value. So many days of inner turmoil, frustration, sadness, weeping, wailing for the familiarity of the old to return. Aspects of self that are comfortable and familiar are being destroyed to make space for the new.

First, my dear cat, Chelsea, of 28 years passed from breast cancer this month. I know, she’s just a cat. For me, she was SO much more. She was my constant companion, a healing salve, a teacher in unconditional love, a joyful loving friend, a co-worker, a meditation partner, and a call to being a responsible adult. She trusted me to provide for her which taught me to grow up. I learned to trust myself to be a loving adult because of her. Chelsea and I found each other when we were both broken by life and together we healed our hearts with the love shared. She was the music in my life and without her sing-song presence, the silence in her absence is deafening. Saying goodbye to Chelsea signaled a release from old hurts and coming to terms with being officially kicked out of the parental nest, emotionally speaking. Who will I be now if not a cat mama? Who will I provide for? How will I self-soothe on hard days without Chelsea there to help me through? It’s learning to stand on my own two feet. It’s learning to trust in the lessons we learned during our relationship. Trusting that her love has steeped into my being and my life has been irrevocably changed for the better. As much as I miss her, I know saying goodbye was necessary. Death is the ultimate destroyer. Death to old ways of thinking, doing, and being. Out of the ashes, like the phoenix, there is room for renewal and rebirth.

Secondly, I was blessed to have the opportunity to participate in an inaugural Black Leadership Arts Collective (B.L.A.C.) sponsored masterclass. The internationally renowned soprano, Aprile Millo graciously agreed to share her perspectives on singing with five talented opera singers. I was one of the participants and was excited to be a part of this experience. My journey to master MY singing voice has been full of twists and turns. Each step has been one of seeking understanding from teachers who looked at me more like a weekly paycheck than a singer worthy of educating. In the end, it’s been clear that my desire to understand how to sing did not align with many of the teachers I’ve studied with. I’ve been blessed by a few kind-hearted teachers who helped me forward. So much so that, I believe in my voice now more than I ever have before. I entered this masterclass feeling grounded in the belief that I have some vocal mastery and I’m ready to launch forward to build a career around singing.

Before the masterclass, I prayed that the Lord would use me as an instrument for his will. I prayed to be forwarded vocally within this masterclass. I prayed that the hearts and minds of those listening would be a part of my becoming. God answered my prayers but he didn’t give me what I wanted. It never works like that. lol He gave me what I needed. The masterclass became a public display of my shedding the years of pain and frustration seeking understanding on how to sing with MY voice.

Aprile Millo saw to the heart of my true voice and would not let up until I got there. There was a letting go of what I thought I knew to be true to find a new space to live in. It was an overwhelming emotion to have someone truly see my voice and help me feel it. One part of me was angry that I’d been seeking answers for so long from misguided/uninvested instructors. The other part of me was grateful for this awakening. I felt my voice fly with new wings for the first time. This was what I needed 20 years ago! Am I 20 years too late?! Or am I right on time…? The late great Tina Turner didn’t find her true voice until she was 44 years old. She was riddled with self-doubt and abuse from within herself and from her commitment to Ike Turner. Somehow, underneath all the pain she forged an unshakeable belief in herself to start anew. What would that kind of faith look like in our own lives? What can we build when we believe in ourselves beyond the shadow of a doubt? I’m not completely sure, but I’ve been blessed with some breadcrumbs to follow.

Last of all, I leave August feeling stretched emotionally. Echos of choices made in my 20s kicked up for me this month. It brought me inward to acknowledge and soothe how my life was affected by those choices. I would have liked things to be different, possibly easier, but this is my path. Of all the things I could have chosen to be, I wanted to be an opera singer. I can safely say, I am. I was reminded of that during the Black Opera Alliance’s Cuzzin’s Cookout. I wanted to attend because I needed to know what it feels like to be surrounded and supported by artists of color. I’ve been seeking this kind of community from the beginning of my artistic journey. Finally experiencing it in person was like finding an oasis in the desert. It replenishes you. I left feeling fulfilled, inspired and refocused. It was also an opportunity to fine-tune the dreams I’m striving for. I’m transforming into less of what I want but what I need. Who do I have to be, and what do I need to do, to have the opera career I desire? It’s time to start anew. A new version of me has emerged this month leaving me to wonder, what’s next?

I hope the sobering revelations occurring in your life will help bring you closer to your awakenings, dear Artist.

See you next month.