October 2023 - Grief; An Interesting Companion…

Do you know that Joni Mitchell lyric?

💛 “…Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. They paved paradise, put up a parking lot”

Music is a powerful communicator. I first encountered this lyric through Janet Jackson's rendition of the 1970s song "Big Yellow Taxi" on her Velvet Rope album, featuring Joni Mitchell and Q-Tip, in 1997. As a teenager, I interpreted this lyric as expressing the regret of an ex-lover who didn't appreciate their relationship until it ended. Lately, this lyric has been resonating with me. You see, I'm dealing with grief because a relationship that I once had, is now over.

The difference is that I valued the relationship very much. This relationship had a significant impact on me and served as a source of inspiration, love, and joy. It provided comfort during my darkest moments and reassured me that everything would be alright. The relationship was filled with mutual love and respect. I was fully present and aware when I sensed the presence of death. I welcomed death and made sure to cherish the final moments with my beloved, showing grace and goodwill. So why do I feel an endless sadness when I am “ready” to say goodbye? Why do I wish I had done more to appreciate my beloved while she was still here? Logically, I know I gave my all to that relationship, but Joni Mitchell's lyrics still linger in my mind.

Maybe because this is my first time truly experiencing grief of this magnitude. My heart is both tender and broken. I wouldn't describe it as shattered, as I don't feel fragmented or disconnected from myself. Instead, I feel small in comparison to the overwhelming sadness. I long for comfort, but the weight of grief slows my every movement, like walking against resistance in water. Grief beckons me to be still. To heal. To embrace the full spectrum of emotions that arise from loss. Grief brings clarity to what is real and what isn't. The sadness I feel is real. The loss I've endured is real. My heart is in the process of healing, but what can I rebuild after such devastation? Do I trust myself enough to continue my life without my beloved? What have I learned from loving another so deeply?

I’m experiencing increasing noise from the darkest parts of myself. The voices of doubt and self-consciousness can be overwhelming. In my past, Insecurity gave doubt incredible power, causing me to become stuck in overthinking and unable to take action. During those times, my beloved was my source of healing. Her love would brighten my day like sunshine after a storm. I even gave her the nickname "Sunshine Girl" because her love illuminated my life and helped me see beyond the darkness in my mind. Her love provided lessons and practices in nurturing self-love. Her reassurance helped me focus on the uplifting voices of gratitude and love. While self-loathing has its limits, love is boundless. It can penetrate even the darkest places and bring healing through its light.

I can’t explain why I feel like I “don’t know what I got till it’s gone.” I don’t know why doubt is working to pull me back into a familiar darkness. I see the heaviness of grief inspiring insecurities to take action. The emotional fatigue of grief’s presence encourages uncertainty. I want to move through this season but how long will I be here? How can I go forward without my Sunshine Girl? Which tools and lessons can I take with me into the new and what should I let go of? I’m still figuring that out but I have an idea. Courage is required. The courage to dare to love again knowing that all things come to an end. Loss is a part of life and managing it as the old falls away beholds valuable lessons.

My time with my beloved taught me the importance of trust in love. However, through this journey of loss, I am learning to trust in myself. Our relationship served as emotional training wheels for me, and now, in her absence, I am learning to trust standing on my own. Although I am still struggling with the weight of grief and not yet ready to stand up, I know that eventually, I will find the strength to do so. I understand that there may be moments of weakness where I fall back to my knees, but that is okay. Building self-trust takes time and practice. My goal is to one day run toward new horizons, but for now, I accept that I am on my knees. While my beloved may be physically gone, the love we shared continues to live on in my heart. I am growing to trust my inner sunshine without the training wheels, bravely learning to stand strong in love, and eventually sharing that love with others. Until then, I honor the joys and sorrows of the past and embrace the confident woman who is emerging in love.

Thanks for reading.

See you next month!