September 2023 - Love Letter; The Nature of Relationships

I've been contemplating the essence of relationships and their impact on our lives, the choices we make, and our self-perception. The individuals we spend time with have the power to influence us, uncover our weaknesses, and provide a space for deep intimacy fostered through love. They often catalyze personal growth. People make extraordinary and sometimes unreasonable claims in the name of love. Despite the 50% probability of love failing, individuals invest significant amounts of energy in seeking fulfillment through love.

Love, especially in the English language, means different things in its use. I love yoga. I love horses. I love dancing. I love my family. I love singing…You get the point, but to each of those declarations of love, they all don’t carry the same weight. Why? Not everyone chooses to pursue a career in yoga solely because they enjoy their morning yoga class. The experience of loving a person, place, or thing is subjective and unique to each individual.

I had the opportunity to have a much-needed Sister to Sister talk with two renowned opera singers, Angela Brown, and Marsha Thompson, at the second annual Black Opera Alliance (BOA) Cuzzin's Cookout last month. During our conversation, I learned that singers should expect to see results from their voice teacher within the first five to six lessons. This revelation made me reflect on the relationships I've had with my previous voice teachers.

I find the process of finding the right voice teacher to be similar to dating in New York City. While everyone believes they are the best, not all teachers are a good fit for all students. Similar to dating, most people will not be a good match, some may be possibilities, and only a few will be a definite "yes" based on time and location. Like in romantic relationships, I sometimes stayed in a teacher-student relationship for too long, even when there were clear signs that something wasn't right. But it was easier to ignore the warning signs because the person was nice. In some cases, I even blamed myself in abusive relationships. I accepted self-doubts in my mind, which were amplified by a voice teacher who failed to teach me how to overcome my vocal shortcomings. Instead of recognizing that they may not have the necessary tools to teach me, it became a process of finding fault in myself for not already knowing how to sing. And just so you know, pursuing a career in opera is not easy, especially because it's expensive.

‼️ Voice lessons range from $150-$300 for one hour with a professional teacher. You’ll need a pianist to play in your lesson ($60-$90) for a 1/2 hour time. Studio rental to host the voice lesson ($24-$60). Travel expenses ($11-$25) Totaling $245-$475 💸💸💸

Like in dating, time and experience have taught me to be discerning with voice teachers. I have been hurt and broken within voice teacher-student relationships. Learning to sing requires deep vulnerability. You must build trust and intimacy within yourself to grow as a singer. While the voice teacher can serve as a wise guide, ultimately, you must learn to trust the sensations happening within your own body.

The voice is often considered an instrument. Many instruments were initially created to try and imitate the human voice. Teaching someone to play an external instrument offers certain advantages, as much of the instruction can be observed with one's own eyes. However, singing is different because it requires looking inward, as you cannot physically take your voice out of your throat to demonstrate how to sing.

Just like in romantic relationships, we usually commit to someone because they bring out the best in us. Love may initially lead to commitment, but other reasons keep people together even when the initial passion has faded.

The flip side of the coin involves experiencing abuse in partnerships and relationships. I believe that similar energies attract each other. If I find myself attracting an undesirable relationship, it's because there is something within me that resonates with it, even if that self-deprecating behavior ultimately leads to my downfall. There is a plethora of artistic expression centered around lost love, the pain of heartbreak, and the anger of rejection. As a result, more and more people choose to avoid entering into relationships because they have been deeply hurt and cannot fathom going through that again. I have heard people say, "That relationship was such a waste of time!" I have also worried that I have wasted time by staying with voice teachers who did not provide the support I needed. During my Sister-Sister talk at the Cuzzin's Cookout, my fear was brought to the forefront.

🙈 What if I never succeed as a singer? Why didn't that teacher believe in me? Am I not worthy of receiving a complete education in the art of singing? Why did I stay for so long when I knew it wasn't working? Did I waste time and money going in the wrong direction?

All relationships serve a purpose in helping us grow. They can be compared to weight lifting in the gym, where the resistance helps our muscles become stronger and more resilient. Whether a relationship is meant for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, its purpose is to align us with ourselves, provided we are open to receiving the lesson.

Upon reflection, I realize that I stayed in relationships with certain voice teachers for too long. I tend to cling on instead of trusting my intuition and moving on. However, I have improved in the art of letting go through practice. Life has a funny way of teaching us. Each teacher has contributed to my personal growth, even beyond singing. Although I do wish I had a more successful performing career, I choose to believe that there is still space to create and nurture a fulfilling performing career right now.

This week, I started with a new voice teacher who is truly the best teacher I have ever had the opportunity to learn from. I am in awe of her. Although I wish I had more money to compensate her, I am grateful that she is generously giving me her time. This made me question if the past three years with my previous teacher were a waste. However, the journey along a path that may appear wrong to others is the right path for personal growth, in both visible and invisible ways. During my time with my previous teacher, I became a more dedicated and focused student to myself. That teacher provided the structure I needed and her approach was like finding a missing piece to a puzzle. While the complete picture has not yet emerged, there is more information to work with that guides the next decision.

I aspire to sing and create full-time. I want to share the valuable gift that God has given me with the world. In the past, I believed that once I had mastered singing, fear would no longer be a factor in my pursuits. However, I have come to understand that fear and creativity are intertwined. They are two sides of the same coin and cannot exist without each other.

When I was younger, fear often dictated the choices I made. But with experience, I have learned to listen to fear less. Instead of trying to eliminate fear, now I allow it the space to express itself. I acknowledge that fear will always voice its concerns whenever I venture into the unknown. I have learned to accept fear's role in the creative process.

Fear wants me to play it safe, to remain within the boundaries of comfort and laziness, and to stick to what is familiar. I have listened to fear, and it has taught me to be discerning, cautious, and strategic. However, I no longer allow fear to be in control because its intention is always to hold me back from taking risks. Now, when fear speaks up and tries to influence my actions, I have this to say:

🙊 Dearest Fear,

Thank you for your concerns. While you are free to express yourself, please understand that you are not in control here. I am. Now, I kindly request that you be silent. I am the one driving this car and we are taking the path less traveled, despite your protests. Please fasten your seatbelt, as we are about to embark on a thrilling ride.

All relationships are a combination of fear and love. We show up because we love, but we fail when we succumb to fear. As someone who is naturally doubtful and tends to hold me back until I feel "perfect" (eye roll), maybe I should choose to be kinder to myself on the journey of self-improvement. This journey is unique to me and me alone. May the relationships I form along the way expand my heart. Remember, the heart is designed to break so that I can break through to a more trusting and loving relationship with myself. I am not lost, I am not too old or too young. I am exactly where I need to be. I will acknowledge the lessons I learned on this journey and trust that my path is beautifully designed for my growth and development.

Bon voyage and see you next month.

🙏🏾💛