Intention
Intention. The definition of intention is what one intends to do or bring about. I’ve been in deep reflection about intentionality in relationship to an operatic career, the idea of being an emerging artist, and how being a person of color all fits together in becoming an intentional singer.
In light of our chaotic world I feel an emergence of something new desiring to be born out of an old mindset that has limited generation after generation from potential growth and expansion. I think about the true meaning of what it means to be a black person in America. The culture of black people was torn asunder in the accumulation of black people as property. Our identity as a people have been lost in our appropriation. During this unique time when people are rejecting being fed the same divisive narrative that leaves black and brown people, marginalized, scrimping, and starving for relief I find myself in reflection on the true intention of this coronavirus. The coronavirus cast a light on the dividing lines that has been an undercurrent in not just American society but a worldwide awakening to what truly separates us. Racism IS taught from one generation to another and the idea of divisionism keeps the flame of separation burning bright. The coronavirus also brings awareness to where we can come together to heal as a people. The crack in the darkness calls for a redistribution of resources and wealth. Are we having a conversation about repreparations or are we really having a conversation about equity? This is a conversation about equity; a freedom from bias.
The coronavirus didn’t happen on a desired timeline for anyone. It happened when it happened. The real question is what are we doing when change and growth is being called on all of us? Can there really be a date on the calendar when someone’s breakdown will occur? Can there be a scheduled date on someone’s breakthrough into 100% ownership of the new version of themselves? No. Growth happens in its due time. With this in mind why then, do we put a timeline on when an opera singer “should” develop or emerge as an Artist? Why are we, as human beings/musical instruments, being held to this singular idea that singers should emerge as artists by a certain age? Is it possible to put a date on when human beings singularly develop? When was this ideal even cultivated and did that person take into account our changing times? Was a consideration made to crushing student loan debt, putting food on the table, a shelter to call home in expensive cities, and clothes on our back that demand more priority than that of a weekly voice lesson? I fear not. With all these limitations and boundaries put upon us, especially those deeply affected by the dramatic changes of the coronavirus, I would venture to say that this is actually what singing artist’s consistently struggle with regardless of a 100-year pandemic.
What if, as a young artist you manage to overcome the obstacles? Made just enough to pay rent. Maybe sacrifice a few meals in order to save the money to pay for a voice lesson. Maybe the conditions were just good enough to encourage vocal development. After overcoming the pain, the struggle, and the sacrifices I finally have enough of a vocal product to deliver in audition and on stage. However, the opportunities to advance during a time when I’m considered “too old” are far less abundant than when I was young, scrappy and hungry. My shot was spent on that forwarding voice lesson not an expensive young artist program in some beautiful far off country. Surviving in New York City WAS my young artist program. I paid the price countless times, but I also grew as an artist in ways that are unparalleled. My emergence is not on anyone’s timeline but my own. My journey to my current state was unique, colorful, fraught with anxiety, filled with unforgettable memories, and at times heavy with crushing despair. In light of it all I overcame and grew stronger after each personal trial. I feel more grounded, focused, and tenacious about my goals as an opera singer today more than I have ever felt in my entire life. Now that I find myself on new ground I desire to emerge and expand into all that is possible for me as an artist. I refuse to believe that I am “too old” to continue on my journey from starving to thriving artist. Especially now during a pandemic the opportunities for singers have come to a screeching halt. As a young artist I found the most difficult challenge was building a belief system that I had something of value to offer the world. School was a joke. And an expensive one at that. Opportunities to grow as a singer were abundant if you had the support. In my experience I found that despite the abundance of opportunities they were regulated to a privileged few. Even fewer opportunities were afforded to singers of color. We might be in the rehearsal room but devoid of any conversations concerning inclusion and equity.
I believe the coronavirus will be the death of many things. It unfortunately will be responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths, but I hope it will destroy the limited thinking and belief systems that separate us from a connection to our humanity as well as taking compassionate action. Maybe it will bring an end to what divides us and bring us all closer together as human beings. Only time will tell. Through it all I desire to continue to move in compassionate action with the awareness that my voice matters and yours does too.
